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Articles of Interest
Assertiveness
Do you struggle to express your thoughts, needs, wants, opinions clearly and with confidence? If so which of these responses is more typically you?
I find that I lack the confidence to stand up for myself when I need to?
I become aggressive in order to get my way or to get heard?
I walk away feeling that I could have and should have said something?
These 5 Assertiveness Tips will help you to steer away from aggressive, passive and passive-aggressive behaviour:
Describe: Describe the situation at hand clearly and succinctly. If your description is to do with the person’s behaviour, describe their behaviour in observable terms and not your judgement of them as a person. For example: “I notice you have not completed the report we agreed to have finished by yesterday.” NOT, “You are unreliable and disorganised.”
Express: Express how you are feeling in the situation. Stay calm, state your emotion, own your feeling with “I” statements and avoid making your emotions worse than they are i.e. over dramatizing reality. For example: “I am disappointed that you have not completed the report on time.” NOT, “I am devastated that you have not completed the report on time.”
Specify: Be specific about your request i.e. what you would like to see happening. Decide what you want ahead of time, be clear and brief, frame your requests positively and focus on behaviour. Check that the person understands what is expected. For example: “The delay is causing a backlog in my reporting to the directors. I would like the report completed by no later than tomorrow morning 8am please. Do you foresee any challenges with this?” NOT, “You better have this done by 8am tomorrow morning or the directors will hear about it.”
Outcome: Describe the outcome you expect from the request. It may be that you feel better. For example: “That would enable me to be in control of my deadlines.” or that a new result is achieved, for example: “The report is required so I can submit the final report to the Directors.” NOT, “You are making it impossible for me to do my job effectively.”
Consequence (added to DESO): there may be a reward or negative repercussion for you or the person you make the request of if they do not meet the outcome. Describe this clearly.
Set Yourself Free
In my work as a Life Coach I find that most of my coaching centres on my clients’ need or desire to create “better” relationships. In thinking about a synonym for Relationships the word Connections came to mind. We are intrinsically connected to all parts of our lives here on earth. Wherever there are people there are relationships. These relationships provide us with an opportunity to explore who we are and grow as human beings. If relationships are this important, should we not try to understand them better?
When we hurt we try to make relationships less important than they are. From the moment we feel pain, fear, insecurity we pull back parts of ourselves and push other parts forward. Why do we change who we are…..to fit in, to be loved, to avoid emotional pain. We sense we need to be more of one thing and less of another to be fulfilled in our relationships.
For example you were taught not to cry, so you had to bury your sadness inside of you (make less of), did you cover this up by constantly “putting on a brave face” (making more of). This is where the loss of self begins. This is how we create holes within ourselves. When we go into relationships seeking fulfilment, we are in fact looking for the missing parts of ourselves. The healing journey is to go home to your true self…..from holes back to wholeness.
How do you identify your holes and learn what they are doing to your relationships? By exploring the following concepts:
Knowing where your emotional hot buttons are
Knowing what you are attracted to; thereby filling your holes
Exploring your inner judgements; you will only judge a quality in another person if you have a fear of that quality and have pushed it into a hole in yourself
Discovering where you place your conditions of love on others; how does this relate to the conditions put on you
Exploring lack and need; if you need someone’s approval they own some of your power
Examining your masks, where you are trying to be more
The greatest gift we can give the world is to be whole within ourselves. True wholeness does not come from filling eachother’s holes. True wholeness comes from filling your own holes from the inside out. So instead of trying to find your other half in the world, why not find your whole self? In this way you are free to be all you were born to be!
Understanding My Personality
Archetypes are at the fabric of personality development and relationship dynamics. Our relationship with ourselves and others is influenced by underlying patterns of personality types. Understanding your personality can alert you to your blind-spots, and assist with relationships when facing other personality types.
An archetypal pattern which I have found useful to explore with my clients is that of inner child, parent and adult. We all have an inner child, and inner parent and potentially an inner adult. What is most interesting about this dynamic is that the inner adult archetype can only arise when the inner child and the inner parent are balanced. When they are off balance it affects our relationships. The adult archetype is missing when either the inner child or inner parent is suppressed or asserted. The adult archetype is empowered and emotionally equipped to face life with grace.
The parent and child archetype can move into a destructive lack of balance at any stage in life; for many, even as early as childhood.
A child with a suppressed child archetype:
Tries to parent the parents
Takes on too much responsibility for their age
Loses their natural spontaneity of being a child
Finds it difficult to be free, open and to receive love
An adult person who gets stuck in a child archetype:
Struggles with responsibility
Would be especially challenged if faced with the task of becoming a parent
If you have children it is especially important to heal your inner child so that you do not burden your children with choices are that inappropriate for their age by trying to avoid the burdens of those choices yourself
In conclusion:
The parent and child archetype have nothing to do with actual age, or having children or not, but everything to do with INNER LIFE and PERSONALITY.
You can heal your inner parent/child at any age.
You can heal your inner parent/child regardless of whether you have children or not.
The Value of Stillness
With our busy lives, rushing from one moment to the next, we can so easily forget how doing the simplest things, like becoming still, add immense value to our lives. The value of stillness is important because it is the bridge to a deep awareness of ourselves. To be truly still is to be truly aware.
In nature you find an essential starting point, a natural intelligence from which whole organisms emerge. For example the human baby develops through cell division and multiplication based on your DNA, a flower unfolds from a bud into its beautiful brilliance. Your point of stillness (stillpoint) is the centre of your being, the natural intelligence from which you unfold. It is the central point from which you journey through life. The way you access this point and continuously learn and develop determines how you respond to life and initiate action that helps you to achieve your life goals or not. Being in touch with this stillpoint guides us to be fully aware and access our inner wisdom.
Connecting with your stillpoint enables you to explore your deeper motivations and understand the intent behind your actions. People understand intent. They notice it in what you say and in what you do not say. They notice it in your attitude, in what you pay attention to, in how you treat them and in how consistent you are. Becoming still helps us to be clear around our intent; what you believe in and value and being aware of your deeper life’s purpose. If we are connected to our stillpoint we can become clear about what we think and feel and then it becomes easier to be clear with others. This increases our ability to build relationships with people.
When we are truly still we are able to pass through our own internal filters of ego, fear and past conditioning. In stillness we are in a position to sense and feel our body’s messages. Answers arrive spontaneously without linear and logical conclusions. Stillness affords us the opportunity to stand back from our challenges to get the bigger picture and the wider context. Reflecting on our thinking opens up new possibilities and avenues for exploration. By exploring these avenues we are able to make thoughtful decisions which lead to quality action.
Accessing our stillness is the discipline of continually clarifying and deepening our personal vision, of focusing our energies, of developing patience, and of seeing reality objectively. Stillness is the basic state of existence that is fundamentally good and that we can rely on. There is room to relax, room to open ourselves up. It is here that we can make friends with ourselves and others.